[12/6/04 4:15pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | The strokes ] I just thought I would inform everyone in australia, I do not plan to live there in the future. I am now officially moving to houston. It is just a matter of time, make the most of me while you can. I love you all. no hard feelings.

[12/6/04 2:55am] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | No Doubt ] It always happens in fast cars. You were driving the speed limit because of all the beer you had in the trunk, we couldnt risk getting caught. we are so young. I could look into your eyes forever. It makes sense that your from the other side of the world, I've never seen eyes as beautiful as yours. I wish I could rub the texas countryside into my skin. That feeling when you first leave the house in the morning - an instant wave of humidity. And the way the windows fog up from the outside. Its small things like that that keep me quite with wonder. I love the smell of the ocean. The caribbean just a few hundred miles away. I really do feel like this is home. I'm sorry for leaving you all behind. My heart really does belong here. <37411962 // post comment

[12/3/04 2:08am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | The new jimmy eat world record. ] Those words are the single most frightening thing I have ever come across in my life. I have no idea anymore. I never want to hear you complain ever. You better fucking do as well as you think you will without me. And if you dont, well I'll still take you back because I love you, I hope you realise how lucky you are. Tonight I found a hopefull message in a fortunecookie, I guess thats something. They probably all say the same thing though. I'll be fine. All I want to do is hug Amy. <3745962 // post comment

[11/29/04 12:38pm] Girls like this, get me though the day.            I love you Talia <3746962 // post comment

[11/29/04 11:46am] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Interpol ] I love Texas, I never want to go back to Australia. Last night I stared up at the moon long enough to see the clouds change direction three or four times. I love the whether in Texas, its very near perfect. Last night I dreamed everything was okay, like the kind of okay at the end of a drama for a teenage audience. I really want to see you tonight. You don’t know how much I just need for you to hug me, and tell me it will all be fine in the end. I really hope it will be. <3746962 // post comment

[11/25/04 11:30pm] I remember how you hid your teeth when I made you smile, I guess you were embaressed of your braces. It just made my heart beat even faster. I know you'll be reading this somewhere.... When I went to check my livejournal at your house I found my adress there, in your favourites..... I'd never told you I had one. I miss you. If you only knew how hard I'm crying now. I've made so many fucking mistakes, but I dont want to regret them. I just wonder. How everything would be if I had just been different. A different boy maybe. Maybe if I was dead, if I had of killed myself all those time, if it had of worked, maybe it would be better. Maybe my mom and dad wouldnt have been upset for all my actions all those times. Maybe I wouldnt have broken peoples hearts and in turn had my heart broken. Maybe I wouldnt have made you cry on your birthday mom. And maybe I wouldnt have made you say you hated me and the way I turned out Dad. Maybe I wouldnt have lost that birthday present you gave to me right before you died. I cant even say sorry. But I really am. Rich I'm so sorry for everything turning out the way It did. I loved you so much, you were the best thing that has ever happened to me and that will never change. I just wish I wasnt so young, we were both so young. I would always dream about you, smiling. Your smile is my favourite ever. I'm sorry kate, I made you feel like you had to throw me out. I'm not sure what I did but I guess it made you feel like it was the right thing to do. Well I'm in america now, and I've done so many wonderful things so maybe it was. Nick, I'm sorry I havent been a good brother all that much. I'm sorry I left home so early and moved away and left you there alone. I shoudn't have thought about myself so much. I should have stayed, and taught you how to drive, and bought you alcohol when you needed it. Your on the other side of the world and probably have school exams right now. I miss you so much. I love you. Jess, I'm sorry Ive been stupid in the past. I'm sorry I've made you think I was a bad kid, but like you say I do mean well I really do. I just wish everyone knew that. Mum and Dad. I just love you. no matter what. Amy, last but not least. I'm sorry for leaving you. I think about you every single day. I cant believe I've left you, my beautiful best mate. I know I've had a really bad year, just like you know, but I promise I'll make something great of myself one day. I promise you. If I turn out like you, as compassionate, undertanding and honest as you I will be the proudest boy alive. I'm so sorry to eveyone I have ever hurt. I am so very sorry. No matter what happens in the future I want everyone to remember all the good times we've all had. Because I know that they really were real. I love you all. <37421962 // post comment

[11/25/04 9:18pm] I love you rebecca. you are the best thing about being alive. <3743962 // post comment

[11/25/04 9:13pm] [ mood | sad ] Happy Thanksgiving. You make me disgusted in myself. You are hardly even human. I feel sick. I hate you/me. I wish I was dead. <3742962 // post comment

Important, if you think so. [11/23/04 2:54am] [ music | Interpol ] So this below, is an email I just wrote to someone, I just wanted to write this here because its as much for me, as anyone else who takes the time to read it. I'm sorry its sloppy and messy. I dont really care for spelling or those other things when you actually have something to say. So I figured you needed something a bit more substantial than that last message. but I dont know where to begin so please forgive me if this seems completely disjointed. My entire life I have felt like there has been nothing special about me at all. I mean I'm meideocre at a few things, piano, writing, science but there was never really anything that I was truely good at. I felt so low, and still do because I feel like I'm in this world where I dont belong or fit in. I just wanted, my whole life to have somone simply say they were proud of me but the hard part was, I had nothing at all that anyone could ever say they were proud of. So I guess I put up a front where I would have people think that I was perfect, you know, I'd wear nice, expensive clothes, go to cool clubs, talk to the right people and drive a shiny car, and while all of it is nice, Its not really all of me, or enough to make me feel complete. I used to hate myself, everything about me, I'd cut myself up just so I knew at least I was organic, I guess that was a start right? and even when I looked at myself in the mirror all I saw was shit, complete shit, sure I was kind of pretty but not ever enough, I wasnt one of those people who was just flawlessly beautiful, so even on the most fundamental of levels I had nothing. I was just a gray wall, fucking painfully plain. I wished with all my heart, and prayed to god every night that he would just give me something special, just one thing that I could be able to do that would make me happy. something that I could do that would make me and other people around me proud, something special and unique that I could inspire other people like they had done to me. I have had a few relationships in the past, I guess they all ended more or less the same, from a wider perspective; I just wasnt enough. I couldnt hold their intrest down or fix their faces with wonder when they looked into my eyes. I just couldnt understand what was wrong with me, because all I wanted to do, more than anything was just to give, and with that, be genuinally appreciated. I just wanted to be able to make someone else the happiest person alive, because of something that was inside of me and only me. It took a long time, but what I realised, was that I do infact have something incredibly special about me, and that is a big heart. sure I cant paint you a picture to display in a gallery or write a number one song, but one thing I know for sure, is that the love I'm capable of is something so beautiful that it is in itself something special. I guess I'm just a dreamer, drifter and romantic, traveling around the world and just trying to take it all in, because it really is a big big place and I dont ever want to miss a single part of it. But what I've come to discover, alongside with what I've tried to explain above is that me, I, as a person, and I'm thinking even you to am/are of cursed. Nothing life thretening but simply that what we have is something that is so subltle its so easy to miss. An artist can hang his pictures in a gallery and a writer can publish a book, but what can a dreamer do? Thats why I want you to take a second look at me, because what I have to give to the world is kind of tucked away somwhere a little bit deeper. And it hurt me so much to see all these people in my life, pass me by and give up on me because they never really took the time to get to know me, and I'm crying right now as I write this just thinking about it. Its unfair, life really is, but I guess its just that, life. But I dont want it to happen again, I dont want anyone to write me off as a shallow or lesser boy in this world, because I know I'm not. Its just with me, I guess it takes a little longer to see the good underneath it all. I hope this all makes sense. I just dont want anyone to write me off again, it hurts so much, It truely crushes me. You can make up your mind about me, It dosent bother me what choice you make but please make the choice on me, and not what you might think I am or am not. All I've ever wanted was just to be me, and for that to be enough. So please dont walk by because the boy you see is a little busted on the outside, because underneath I promise you, there is something special. Andre. <37426962 // post comment

[11/22/04 4:01pm] Oh yeah, and we saw the kids from good charlotte at numbers. and I dont really look like billy at all. case closed. <3749962 // post comment

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